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Oscar’s red carpet report: Haute Couture Heaven

By Lesley Kennedy

We don’t pretend to be up on our Academy Award-nominated movies. We caught “Hurt Locker” on pay-per-view, and, as parents, of course we saw “Up” and “Coraline.” Oh, yeah, we did see “Invictus,” but that’s about it. It’s not by choice — we have kids, and movies, unfortunately, have given way to “iCarly” marathons.

But, for us, the Oscars has never really been about the movies, anyway. No, no, it’s all about the red carpet and the fabulous, glamorous fashions. And this year, baby we’re in haute couture heaven. As “Precious” nominee Gabourey Sidibe said, “If fashion was porn, this dress would be the money shot.”

These Academy Awards have brought back a definite return to color — blues! reds! pinks! And, naturally, Oscar gold. Many gowns took our breath away, while others left us feeling quite cold.

So, who were our winners and who do we thank for playing? Here are our Oscar fashion awards.

The best and the brightest:

• Carey Mulligan in Prada: A little punk — what with the tiny knives, scissors and forks stuck to it — teeny pixie of an actress Mulligan rocks this black dress with a sweetheart neckline and full skirt. The ideal joining of soft and hard. True love.
• Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dries van Noten: Few actresses dare to wear a print, but this blue, black and silver strapless gown is perfection. A little bit tie-dye. A little bit watercolor. A whole lot cool.
• Sandra Bullock in Marchesa: Love the shoulder detail on the delicate cap sleeve. Adore the golden sheen. Smitten with the sleekness. Put it together with Bullock’s glam hair — worn down! — and bright lips, and she’s a serious red carpet winner.
• Jennifer Lopez in Giorgio Armani Prive: Um, we would hate to have to follow Lopez down the red carpet. Seriously, this pale, irredescent pink gown is ridiculous. Ridiculous. Does anyone do glam better?
• Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel: At first glance, we were like, ‘what are looking at here?’ The more we stared, the more jaw-dropping this style became and now we can’t stop thinking about it. Thank you, SJP, for taking a risk. We knew we could count on you.
• We also love: Anna Kendrick’s blush Elie Saab, Cameron Diaz in gold Oscar de la Renta, Rachel McAdams in an Elie Saab print, Elizabeth Banks in gray Versace, Meryl Streep in white Chris March, Helen Mirren in blue Badgley Mischka

Carey Mulligan in Prada

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dries van Noten

Sandra Bullock in Marchesa

And who we weren’t feeling:

• Vera Farmiga in Marchesa: So pink, so poufy. So overpowering. It looked like she’d been swallowed in a sea of ruffles.
• Charlize Theron in John Galliano for Dior: Wow, Charlize. We definitely see your boobs. Thanks for pointing them out with those giant ruched flowers or baked goods or whatever they are. Love the risk, but this one didn’t pay off.
• Zoe Saldana in Givenchy: We think this one will divide the fashion critics. We’re definitely on the not-so-much side. It started out with simple, pretty beading, then turned into something purple that grew darker and ended with giant tissue paper-like swirls. Wrong color. Wrong shape. Wrong dress.
• Diane Kruger in Chanel: Sorry, this one ain’t working. Who wants to make the area from your chest to your knees fatter? Plus, she loses points for not having her arm candy, Joshua Jackson, around. What’s up with that? We need our Pacey!
• Faith Hill: The shape is fine, but the cutout lace in the bodice and the giant slip? So not chic.
• Miley Cyrus in Jenny Packham: Too old, too tight in the top, weird proportion. Better luck next time.
• Others we didn’t like: Sigourney Weaver in red (too heavy on the asymmetry), Tina Fey in black Michael Kors (the texture looked weird on camera), Mariah Carey in navy Valentino (almost classy. Almost.)

Vera Farmiga in Marchesa

Zoe Saldana in Givenchy

Diane Kruger in Chanel

Miley Cyrus in Jenny Packham

And not to leave out guys we loved:

• Tom Ford in Tom Ford: We don’t think it’s possible to look more dapper than this designer-turned-director. Absoultely delicious.
• Tyler Perry in Prada: Damn.
• Zac Efron in Calvin Klein: Our 5-year-old hearts him, and now we do, too.
• Jake Gyllenhaal: Do we really need to say anything more?

Tom Ford in Tom Ford

Tyler Perry in Prada

And the guys who needed help:

• Neil Patrick Harris: We adore you. Like adore you. But a sequined tux jacket? Please, never again.
• George Clooney: You’re normally our fave, but why, oh, why, are you working a mullet?

Agree? Disagree? Talk to us in the comments below!

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